the worst part of this is not that she is ready to go, ready to say good-bye to a long, healthy life and granddaughters that love her to death. no, the saddest part is how ready she is, but her body will not let her go.
she has a pnuemococcal virus
we are so lucky that we've had so many years with her. how many 32 year-olds can claim they have a grandma that they talk to almost weekly? that they traded jokes with up until two weeks ago? contemplated the state of our country and how amazing it is that she has lived through an ENTIRE century? she really and truly is so amazing, and for very selfish reasons I want her to get better so i can go see her again and resume our phone conversations. and this time i won't wait three days to call her back. I won't end the conversations, i'll let her do that. i want to squeeze in as much time as possible with her, but when does it end? i know it's so selfish of me to want her to get better so i can talk to her, i can see her. me, me, me. when all she wants is to be done. while i really want to see her and hold her hand one more time and make her smile, i know the most gracious thing that could happen to her would be for her to fall asleep one night and not wake up the next morning. and for this to happen soon.
it's just so sad.
i just feel so imminently grateful that we had the chance to let her know we named our daughter after her. she is so important and will always be so important to us. i'm so glad annabelle can carry her name as her middle name forever. so, so glad for that. i feel so grateful for the memories of my times with her - a trip to hawaii when i was 10, laying on her couch and having her bring me tea and toast when mom dropped me off there on sick days, picking through her candy jar for all the non-pariels... i am so lucky to have had the relationship with her that i do: that we could tell each other we love each other every time we talk. that we could look forward to seeing each other every time i came down. that every christmas for at least the last ten years has been spent with her. i think with fondness of the coffee cakes
well, i'm off to say my prayers for nonnie now. i'll let you know what unfolds.