nonnie

so this post is not on such a happy note. my grandma, nonnie, is in the hospital. she has been since last sunday (so 8 days now). the bad news is that she took some pretty bad spills and even fell at home when there was no one there to help her up. it makes that disgustingly annoying commercial, "i've fallen and i can't get up" go from just plain irritating to really, really sad. i have only talked to her once since she's been in the hospital. she said, "oh dear, thank you for calling, but i am just so, so sick. I can't talk right now." she made sure i knew her room number and asked that i call dad and steph to let them know the new room, and that was it. i have wanted to call her all week but she doesn't want to hear from or see anyone. i was trying to find a way to go visit, but since she doesn't want to see anyone, i guess i'll wait. in fact, my sister was there and said nonnie barely made eye contact with her. nonnie is so, so depressed.

the worst part of this is not that she is ready to go, ready to say good-bye to a long, healthy life and granddaughters that love her to death. no, the saddest part is how ready she is, but her body will not let her go.

she has a pnuemococcal virus that has spread to her blood and disabled her legs, but her counts are better, her vitals are better, and the doctor tells her this is not her time to go and she should be in rehabilitation for her legs. but she refuses. she does not want rehab, she wants hospice. she doesn't want to see anyone, she just wants to be able to let go of this life and move on. but her body will not let her. what might make it even worse is that her brain is 100%, or at least very close. i tell everyone she is "sharp as a tack" at the ripe old age of 94. so that just makes her acutely aware of everything and everyone she has already lost, and what her body will not let her do. here she has this amazing brain so she can know exactly how limited she has become physically. it just feels unfair.

we are so lucky that we've had so many years with her. how many 32 year-olds can claim they have a grandma that they talk to almost weekly? that they traded jokes with up until two weeks ago? contemplated the state of our country and how amazing it is that she has lived through an ENTIRE century? she really and truly is so amazing, and for very selfish reasons I want her to get better so i can go see her again and resume our phone conversations. and this time i won't wait three days to call her back. I won't end the conversations, i'll let her do that. i want to squeeze in as much time as possible with her, but when does it end? i know it's so selfish of me to want her to get better so i can talk to her, i can see her. me, me, me. when all she wants is to be done. while i really want to see her and hold her hand one more time and make her smile, i know the most gracious thing that could happen to her would be for her to fall asleep one night and not wake up the next morning. and for this to happen soon.

it's just so sad.

i just feel so imminently grateful that we had the chance to let her know we named our daughter after her. she is so important and will always be so important to us. i'm so glad annabelle can carry her name as her middle name forever. so, so glad for that. i feel so grateful for the memories of my times with her - a trip to hawaii when i was 10, laying on her couch and having her bring me tea and toast when mom dropped me off there on sick days, picking through her candy jar for all the non-pariels... i am so lucky to have had the relationship with her that i do: that we could tell each other we love each other every time we talk. that we could look forward to seeing each other every time i came down. that every christmas for at least the last ten years has been spent with her. i think with fondness of the coffee cakes she insisted upon making every year for christmas breakfast (sara lee!), and her oatmeal crisp cookies that she always made from scratch. i can remember her taking her dog for a "drag" when he was so old that he couldn't walk behind her. how she would never dare eat more than a half a sandwich. the look on her face when the little kids got to screaming. how much she HATES the song "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and would say, "This song is just awful!!" with her little ACK! And we would laugh. And as frustrating as it was at the time, i can maybe even laugh at the towel fiasco that we endured over Christmas (long story).

well, i'm off to say my prayers for nonnie now. i'll let you know what unfolds.